

Today i went to the job club, to see what i might find in the way of work or inspiration. what i came away with after the meeting is a sense of just how far i’ve moved away from the mainstream, in my approach. i either need to get back in the mainstream or move away altogether. if i continue to drift, i might end up like this guy, which mightn’t be so bad:
Aleister Crowley:>
English occultist, writer, mountaineer, poet, spy and yogi.
Crowley was also a chess player, painter, astrologer, hedonist, bisexual, drug experimenter, and social critic.
During the meeting of the job club, I rather embarressingly referred to an out of body experience i had by way of introduction to the group. This is not normal behaviour in a social context, and is even less so in a professional environment where one is supposedly looking for employment assistance and advice. Needless to say it caused some shuffling and shifting in seats, accompanied by concerned yet encouraging hmmms and aaaahs and a couple of understanding smiles from the pretty ladies. The out of body experience was, I felt, relevant, given that I had it the last time i tried to go for a job I did not want. I couldn’t control it and I was attempting to explain that i am in something of a quandary. Even if the kind of work i’m looking for is available, were I to go for it, its possible i don’t even want it.
I have gained some clarity at least. Perhaps I did have a genuine out of body experience, and perhaps I should try to have more. Luckily I was sitting next to an Indian woman who saw the whole thing as perfectly normal, so I felt more comfortable. But it indicates to me that i am not reconciled to the fact that I am in need of work, and that I am inclined to talk this way to people who do not want to hear that sort of thing.
So I need to either shut up and get really good and speaking normally in social situations, or let loose and allow this strange new world to open up for me. I hear artists like David Byrne talk about such things all the time. David Lynch uses transendental meditation in his work and noone bats an eyelid. I sit amongst a group looking for a job and I repeat things I think of as normal. I describe the reality of the situation as I see, or experience it. Where does that leave me? I know the discomfort I caused was because of my own lack of resolution. Do I support this kind of talk? Do i want to say this kind of thing?
I should explain, not that it will do any good. In an interview for a job I had held previously, I found myself talking about things I had been interested in last year but that I’ve stopped being interested in this year. I spoke about financial forecasts to the interviewer, and said I’d be very interested in owning an iPhone. Now I obviously didn’t do a good acting job, because not only are these things of little interest to me at the moment, but I didn’t manage to convince the interviewer that i was really into it either. The way this manifested itself at the time was in what i would describe as an out of body experience. I was fully aware of the moment and saw myself from outside talking about things that had no connection to my real self. I was saying the right things, but i wasn’t inside the things I was saying.
So it was no surprise I didn’t get the job. It was a surprise when the company called me to express their confusion about what had happened. The way they phrased it:
“…it was as though you weren’t there.”
Now I have the HR people talking funny.